When you want your ex back, it can feel impossible. But the truth is, if you put your feelings aside, it’s just a problem like any other.

And that means it can be solved just like any other problem: by understanding the situation, making a plan and following through with it. That’s what I’m going to help you with today.

#1 – Take your time and be deliberate

This seems like a simple piece of advice–and it is–but it’s something that so many people get wrong and screw up their chances permanently.

So before you take any steps towards reconnecting with your ex, make sure that you’re sticking to the timeline that I lay out here.

Because here’s the thing:  most people in your situation–when you’re facing the possibility of the person you love slipping out of your life forever–are feeling desperate.  And I totally understand that; it’s a natural reaction after you’ve been dumped or gone through a tough breakup. 

You desperately want to do something, anything to make your ex change their mind and take you back.

And that kind of thinking will get you in trouble. You probably think “I don’t care how it looks, I just want to do whatever it takes to get them back.”

But the truth is that running back to your ex and telling them that you want them back isn’t going to help you connect with them. It will only push them away.

Not only should you not rush the process, you actually can’t rush the process of changing your ex’s mind about breaking up. It doesn’t work that way. When you try this, all you’re doing is showing them your desperation.

Desperation is an attraction killer.  Trust me on this, I’ve seen many, many people make this mistake despite my best efforts to talk them out of it.

If you appear too desperate, if you try to push your ex by contacting them too frequently or begging and pleading with them… it’s only going to make your situation worse. 

Take a step back for a minute and think about things from your ex’s perspective.  Would you be attracted to someone who won’t stop bothering you?  Would you be attracted to someone who seems to have nothing else going on in their life except chasing after you?  Would you be more or less likely to want to take someone back if they begged and pleaded and tried to talk you into giving them another chance?

Obviously, the answer is no…you’re only pushing them further away.  

This is something you need to keep in mind throughout the entire process of winning back your ex. 

Never, ever get too excited or too eager around your ex… never force things or try to rush it.

Always leave them wanting more and if you find yourself starting to slip, return to this advice and recommit to taking it slow. 

#2 – Don’t let your ex know that you’re jealous.

You don’t ever, EVER want to outwardly display any kind of jealousy around your ex.  

I know it’s painful and frustrating to hear rumors that your ex may have gone on a date with someone new… and I know you desperately want to ask them about it… but do not.

Act like you don’t give a flying fuck about your ex’s love life since the breakup.

Don’t give ANY sense that you’re jealous about anything, even if you’re feeling the complete opposite on the inside… instead, pretend you don’t care at all about who your ex is seeing or what they’re doing with their spare time.

This, along with the previous tip, are all about your mental game. I know how hard this breakup has been. It’s tested you and caused you to act out in ways you never expected.

It’s shown you just how important this person is to you and without them, you almost feel like you can’t go on. But you need to know that you CAN go on.

You have the strength within yourself to survive this no matter what happens and you need to tap into that if you’re going to win them back.

And the first step is to project confidence and security and that means avoiding drama, which includes jealousy.

Remember, you need to keep things fun for your ex.

Jealousy isn’t fun, and it certainly isn’t attractive, so do your absolute best to never show any kind of jealousy around your ex.

#3 – Be honest about your chances

Unfortunately, not every relationship can or should be salvaged.  Sometimes, things might be so broken that it’s just not possible to ever realistically have a chance at getting back together.

I know that sucks to hear, but it’s the truth:  many relationships can and should be revived, but in some cases it’s just not realistic to even try.  

That’s why I want you to take this free quiz to find out your chances once and for all.

If the quiz says your situation is hopeless — which is usually fairly uncommon, but it does happen — then please think long and hard about whether you should continue to pursue your ex.

In dire situations like this, it’s usually best to start moving on and focus on finding someone new rather than continuing to chase after an ex who either isn’t right for you, or isn’t ever going to be willing to give you a second chance.

If your quiz score is in the low 60’s or above — say, if you score anything over 62 or 63 — that indicates you still have a chance.  If you score above 75, you have plenty of reason to be optimistic, and you should still be able to get back together assuming you play your cards right from this point onwards.


Let’s talk about No Contact. I know you’ve already heard about this strategy many times before.  And do you know why this technique is something that I recommend so frequently?  Because it WORKS.  It works EXTREMELY well in the vast majority of breakup situations.  

If you don’t want to take my word for it, please check out this article about No Contact.

I get emails on a daily basis from viewers who’ve used No Contact and ended up back with their ex.

Let me explain briefly why No Contact is so powerful:  

First, it’s because this strategy essentially “shocks” your ex into learning what life is like without you.  Instead of slowly fading out of your ex’s life, you’re forcing them to experience it “cold turkey”… they won’t be able to just call you and chat whenever they miss you, and they won’t have that feeling of “comfort” knowing that you’re still around any time they want to talk or hang out.  It’s critical that you give your ex that kind of a “shock” treatment rather than letting them slowly get used to life without you.  

Secondly, No Contact is the opposite of what your ex is expecting you to do.  Most people–and this is the natural reaction after a breakup–tend to cling to their ex for as long as possible. They reach out regularly, they try to “stay friends”, and they just generally end up serving as an emotional dumping ground for their ex.

By doing the opposite of what your ex is expecting you to do, you’re taking control of the situation and shifting the “balance of power” in your favor… Now, when you engage in a period of No Contact, YOU have the power to decide when your ex gets to talk with you or see you.  They’re suddenly facing a situation they didn’t anticipate when they planned to break up.  

Third, it gives your ex time to let go of negative memories and emotions.  As I’ve mentioned in other previously, all humans have a natural tendency to forget bad memories and let go of negative thoughts and emotions after a certain period of time.

This is actually a natural coping mechanism that’s evolved over thousands of years of human evolution… we can’t dwell on negatives for long, or else we’ll spend our lives in a state of depression.

So, use that to your advantage by giving your ex time to start forgetting about the negative aspects of your relationship.

This will, given time, happen on its own, without you having to do anything other than engage in a period of No Contact.

Studies have shown this will “peak” around 30 days after the breakup, so by employing a 30-day No Contact period, you’re allowing enough time for those negative emotions and memories to fade into the back of your ex’s mind.

I like to say that this is basically like re-setting your ex’s brain to a neutral state.  

Additionally, another benefit to No Contact is that it gives you time to “chill out” and reset your own emotions.

You definitely don’t want to be acting on emotion when you talk with your ex, and you often can’t think straight during the early stages after a breakup… so, by ignoring your ex for a few weeks, you put yourself back into a better frame of mind.

Remember: your mental game is so important right now. 

By the end of the No Contact period, you’ll be far less likely to act desperate or say something to your ex that might hurt your chances or push them away unintentionally.  

Lastly, No Contact allows you some time to focus on yourself.  During No Contact you need to be keeping busy, meeting new friends, and living an interesting, exciting life.

This will make you a more interesting, more appealing person to your ex when you do begin talking with them again… and it will put you in a better position to re-attract them once the No Contact period is over.

Again, the key takeaway is this:  No Contact is a VERY powerful and effective strategy in almost EVERY breakup situation. 

#5 – Use your friends and family as your support system

OK, I know what you’re thinking… How the hell is hanging out with my friends and family going to help me get my ex back?  Well, hear me out… because this is actually something that I’ve started to recommend more and more, because I’ve come to see how valuable this really is.  

First of all, hanging out with friends and family is usually enjoyable.  It’s a great way to keep your mind off your ex and off the breakup, and live in the moment.

This is especially true if you avoid talking about your ex when you’re with friends, and instead just have fun.

Secondly, you’ll quickly find that hanging out with friends and family can be a powerful tool for re-building your own confidence and self-esteem. 

Your friends and family like you–at least, I hope they do–and hanging out with people that enjoy your company is a great ego boost.

It will make you feel more confident in yourself, and help you realize that you’re an awesome catch for anyone of the opposite sex…. Including your ex, who would be crazy to let someone as well-liked as you walk out of their life.

This is also a great time to reconnect with old friends that you maybe haven’t talked to much lately.

If there’s someone you used to hang out with regularly that you’ve recently fallen out of touch with, reach out and spark up a conversation.

Revive that old friendship, or try to make new friends.  Again, this is a confidence-booster, but it’s also a way to come up with new things to talk to your ex about when you see them or begin talking to them again.

You can tell them about how you recently saw an old friend, talk about the plans you’ve made with this old friend, and so on. 

Please take my word on this one… being around other people in social settings — whether that’s reconnecting with old friends or just hanging out with family more often — is going to help your own state of mind, and improve your chances of getting back together with your ex.

#6 – Use your ex’s psychology to your advantage

Now I’m not talking about anything really egregious here guys… when I say “using psychology”, I don’t mean lying to your ex or manipulating them in some way.  I just mean that it can be very useful to use basic human psychology to your advantage in order to win your ex back.  I’ll give you 2 examples:

Number 1… texting.  When you get a text from your ex out of the blue, wait an hour or two before you reply.  Remember: you’re playing the role of a busy, confident person who is ready to move on… so, if you’re willing to wait a while before replying to your ex’s texts, it will make them wonder what you were doing and subconsciously assume that you’re out doing interesting stuff and living life without them.

Also related to texting:  Let your ex send the last message in a back-and-forth texting exchange.  Again, this isn’t really sneaky or immoral stuff — you’re just making a small effort to shift the balance.

It’s a power play of sorts, where you’re asserting your own value as a person and your confidence with life in general.  This is attractive behaviour for your ex, and will subtly and subconsciously shift the way they think about you in a positive way.

The second is about jealousy. You need to do something that will make your ex jealous that they won’t know was intended to make them jealous. This is the tricky part. If your ex can tell you’re doing something to make them jealous then it won’t work.

They need to fear that they’ve lost you forever. If you’re obviously acting for their benefit then they’ll never get this impression and they might even be angry and feel manipulated. So how can you pull this off? Well the best way to do this, in my opinion, is to use social media. 

Chances are your ex is still checking up on you regularly, even if you can’t tell. So my advice is to post something that you know they’ll see, that implies you may be dating someone new.

Don’t just do a full-on post like “check out my new boyfriend or girlfriend”. You want to IMPLY something without saying it. Plus, if it seems like you’re in something serious then this is going to scare your ex off because they’ll think they missed their chance.

Again, it’s a tricky balance. You need to post something that will make their mind run wild. So, for example, maybe just a quick post of a bouquet of flowers.

They’ll think “who are those from?” or “who did they get those for?” Or maybe just a picture of you with your arm around a hottie with no explanation.

They’ll think “Is that their friend or something more?” And that’s all it takes to REALLY impact your ex’s mental state. Even if they don’t reach out, you can bet that they’ll be thinking about it all week and wondering if they made the wrong choice. 

These thoughts put your ex under some pressure to decide if they’re sure about the breakup, and can often be enough on its own to make your ex decide to ask for a second chance.

This kind of urgency is critical to winning back your ex, so it certainly helps if you’re willing to use a tactic like this to your advantage. 

So, in summary, if you’re willing to use a bit of basic human psychology to your advantage by playing some sneaky but harmless “mind games” on your ex… it’s going to help your cause.

#7 – Make your conversations with your ex short and fun

So you’ve finished No Contact, and you start to open the lines of communication with your ex again… you’re exchanging text messages or phone calls, and then eventually hanging out with your ex in person.  You want them to take you back…

Now you try to talk about the relationship. You rehash old drama or disagreements from when you were still together.

Maybe you’re just doing this to try and explain to your ex how you’ve changed since the breakup, or how things will be different if you get back together… but, this kind of approach is 100% guaranteed to ruin your chances.  

Trust me, guys… if you want your ex back, you need to make EVERY conversation and hang-out session with them ENJOYABLE.

You want your ex to end a conversation thinking to themselves, “well, that was fun”… you want your texts to make your ex smile or laugh when they read them.  

What you DO NOT want… under any circumstances… is to remind your ex of the problems that plagued your old relationship.  You DO NOT want them to end a conversation thinking to themselves, “ugh, more drama again.”

You want your ex to have a good time when they see you or talk to you, not be reminded of old problems or disagreements from the past.

Don’t ever, ever try to bring up “serious relationship topics” with your ex until you’re fully back together… keep it light, fun, and enjoyable for your ex.  

#8 – Understand what you have control over and what you don’t

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but you should try your absolute best to avoid worrying about things that are out of your control.  

Did you hear a rumor your ex has been dating someone new?  Well, there’s nothing you can do to change that, so it’s out of your control… and therefore it’s not worth stressing about, or even thinking about.  

Are you worried that your ex isn’t posting sad lyrics and quotes on social media after your breakup?  Worried that might mean they’re not missing you and have already moved on?

Well, that’s just not a useful train of thought… it’s out of your control, you can’t change how they’re feeling or accurately read into what their actions mean.

Remember, you’re not a mind reader.  That means it’s not worth worrying about, so push it out of your mind and focus on things you CAN control.

#9 – Stick to the script and keep moving forward

Since you’re here right now, I’m assuming you’re doing your homework… you’re learning how to get a second chance with your ex by researching online and reading articles on the subject.

That’s great, and I applaud you for taking action to make sure you do things properly to maximize your chances. 

And you’ll get a lot of very savvy, very effective advice and tips from breakup coaches like myself… not all of the stuff you’ll read online is correct or trustworthy, but much of it is good advice that will actually help you out. 

And you can definitely trust the strategies and techniques that I teach here on my YouTube channel.

BUT… while learning and researching is great, you NEED to actually APPLY these techniques in order for them to actually work.

You can’t just learn all about how effective the No Contact technique is, and then only apply it for 5 days before you give up and start spamming your ex.  

No Contact doesn’t work if you only do it for 5 days, and the same is true for almost all of what I teach… you need to actually apply my advice exactly the way I describe, in order for it to be truly effective.

If you don’t have the self-discipline to stick with it and have faith in the proven techniques you learn about, they simply won’t work.

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

View Articles