There are 5 things you need to do if you want your ex back.

If you do these things and only these things, you’ll maximize your chances of getting them back.

So don’t hesitate. Get started right now.

Background image - 2 lovers embracing

Rule Number 1. Keep your distance…for awhile

If you want your ex back, confronting them with your feelings won’t work.

That will just give them an opportunity to reject you one more time and close that door forever.

Instead, give them lots of space and they will start to miss you.

Rule Number 2. Always be Improving

Breakups make you take stock of your life which means they’re an opportunity to improve yourself.

Not only will this make you more attractive to your ex, it will also help you heal your pain and sadness.

So set a goal for yourself and achieve it. It doesn’t need to be complicated…you just need to do it.

Rule Number 3. Accept the reality of your breakup

Breakups can do funny things to your mind.

Just as you’re here trying to learn how to win back your ex, another part of you may refuse to accept that you and your ex are truly broken up.

That is, there’s a very good chance that you’re in denial about this breakup.

Denial is a very common way of dealing with uncomfortable aspects of reality. We think “I’m not going bald, that hair dresser just screwed up” or “I only drink socially, I’m just a popular person” or “just because I’m only 5’1 doesn’t mean I can’t be in the NBA.”

Denial seems harmless but it really holds us back because can only really make progress when we deal with the world as it really is. 

There’s a very good chance that you’re in denial about this breakup.

So if some part of you still believes that you and your ex are in a relationship, it’s going to interfere with your plan to get them back.

This is a subconscious thing that will come out in subtle ways that will affect how you treat your ex and how you see them.

So I need you to do something right now. You need to accept the fact that you and your ex have broken up.

Really sit with this knowledge for a minute. It may feel silly but say it out loud or write it down.

This doesn’t mean that you have to let things end this way. You can still get them back if that’s what you want but you have to do it with clear eyes, knowing the truth.

Rule Number 4. Don’t Be Friends With Your Ex

Being friends with your ex is ALWAYS a bad idea.

At the same time, I understand why people fall into this trap. You want to keep your ex close. You hope that if you just spend more time together, eventually they’re going to realize that the person for them has been right in front of them the whole time. 

That’s how it works in the movies, but in real life here’s the more common pattern:

You agree to stay friends with your ex. They lean on you for support and comfort. You feel like maybe they’re starting to warm up to you as more than just friends. You decide to ask them if they want to try again and they turn you down. Or they ghost you.

Or they start dating someone new and you get jealous. Or they really keep you around as a friend and you start to resent them because they don’t want more.

Drama, drama, drama.

The truth is that staying friends with your ex always results in some kind of disaster because you and your ex don’t want the same things. You two are in two totally different relationships and you’re coming at it in two totally different ways.

Instead, keep the drama to a minimum and avoid this pitfall by keeping strong boundaries with your ex.

Don’t agree to be their friend, don’t hang out with them “just as friends,” don’t hang out with them in a group, and don’t drive them to the airport or run errands with them or anything like that.

Rule Number 5. Focus on Family and Friends

Your support network is really important right now. As I said, what you don’t do is as important as what you do.

So your friends and family can really help stabilize your mood and get you out of a funk.

You’re rarely going to come home from a great hang with your best friends and then immediately call your ex crying.

So whenever you find you miss your ex, reach out to someone. This isn’t always going to feel easy, especially if you’ve lost touch with people over the course of your relationship. 

This is a really common pattern for a lot of people. You get close to someone new and you start choosing to spend time with them over your friends and family.

It can be difficult to rebuild those connections now that you two have split but it’s never a lost cause.

Think of this as a new opportunity. Your life has opened up so now you can make up for lost time.

You probably will find that you’re not in the mood for socializing quite often during this period. You’ll want to stay home, curl up in a ball and isolate yourself.

Resist this urge. You’ll almost always find that spending time with others helps, if you can get over the initial hurdle of reaching out. 

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

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