Dealing with an introverted ex can be confusing, especially if you want them back.

Let’s talk about what makes introverts different, why this changes how they interact, and how you can use this information to get your ex back for good.

First off, just to answer the question posed in the title: you CAN get your introvert ex back. It will be a barrier in some situations but it’s far from hopeless.

While their introversion will pose some difficulties, it also provides some advantages when compared to winning back a more extroverted ex. So don’t think that just because your ex is less social, you don’t have any hope of winning them back. There are actually many things you can do to make this happen.

What Makes An Ex Introverted?

But before we talk strategy, let’s define an “introvert” ex.

I know the definition of introvert is really up for debate these days. So I’m going to tell you what *I* mean when I say introvert. You may not all agree with my definition and that’s okay. Please let me know in the comments. I think it’s helpful to have these discussions.

I also know that people say that introverts feel DRAINED by socializing while extroverts feel RECHARGED by it. I think this is a pretty simplistic definition but this can play a factor as well. For me it’s more about the person’s behaviour.

First, when compared to the average, introverts prefer quieter, less social activities. They’d rather stay in and watch a movie than go dance at a nightclub. For an introvert, a crowded subway or a busy bar can be overstimulating and cause them to feel unsafe, or just unhappy.

So that means that many introverts will focus on hobbies and activities that they can do alone or in small groups, in a calmer environment. So if your ex is really into painting figurines, or woodworking or playing video games, they might be an introvert.

Next, introverts need LOTS of alone time. So for many people, dating an introvert can lead to some feelings of being shunned or not knowing whether or not they even like you, and this is simply because they want to spend a lot of time alone.

If you’re an extrovert, you’ve probably wondered why the two of you aren’t together whenever you don’t have other plans. But don’t take it personally, it’s just that introverts really value that time alone. Being denied solitude can really affect an introvert’s mental health so they make it a priority.

Which leads us to the fact that many introverts could be described as socially withdrawn or even awkward and shy. Again, there are many introverts who can be quite charming, personable and charismatic, but just don’t choose a very social life.

But for many others, they choose to be alone because they find socializing difficult or they lack confidence. This is a real chicken or the egg situation. Do they struggle to socialize because they spend so much time alone or do they spend so much time alone because they have trouble socializing?

In any case, as a result of this, many introverts have a smaller circle of friends than your average person. Again, this is just because they prioritize other parts of their life over socializing.

You may be asking “are introverts lonely?” This is a good question because it’s going to affect your chances of getting back together with your ex. Simply put, lonely people are more driven to reconnect with an ex because they want to end their loneliness.

But the thing about introverts is they are not necessarily any more or less lonely than more extroverted people. You’d think being alone would make someone less lonely but choosing to be alone suggests that someone requires less social stimulation to feel fulfilled.

Why Introverted Exes Are Different

So now you should have a pretty good idea whether or not your ex is an introvert or not. But how does this factor in? So if they are an introvert, just know that this WILL affect your plan of winning them back but it won’t necessarily make it any harder. There are several factors at play here.

First, if your ex is socially withdrawn, it’s going to make it harder to get them back. This is simply because you’re going to need to talk to them at certain points in this process, obviously, and if they don’t like talking to people then that will definitely be a barrier.

Another factor has to do with something I call “the rules.” Every social interaction has rules that guide our behaviour. For example, you’re not going to talk to your boss the same way you would your old college roommate.  And you won’t talk to your grandma the way you would your best friend.

This is because there are essentially “rules” to every relationship that we all internalize without ever saying them out loud. If we ever break these rules, they can have consequences like getting fired from a job, freaking out your relatives or alienating your friends. 

Now, with an ex, the rules are much less clear than with almost any other relationship. When you two were together it was like you shared one brain. You would finish each other’s sentences. You could communicate with just a look. Now that you’re split up, you have all this history and all these memories but you know that you’re not supposed to treat them the exact same way you did when you were together.

This is when a lot of people get confused or get into trouble. Many people will continue having sex with their ex simply because it’s how they know how to relate to them. Others will go ice cold in an effort to create some distance. The truth is that there’s no right answer here. Many people struggle with this and introverts most of all.

Introverts can shrink from social challenges and turn inward. So if you find your ex avoiding you after the breakup, it can be because they just don’t know how to relate to you as an ex. 

Another thing to keep in mind is that breakups hit introverts harder than others. Extroverts have a bigger social circle to fall back on in this situation. They have people to turn to when they’re sad, to distract them when they have a setback and to remind them that life goes on after the breakup.

The worst thing you can do after a breakup is to stay home and get lost in your own head and that’s the default for many introverts. Breakups hit our self esteem first and for many introverts, it feels like further evidence that they’re bad at relating to other people.

This is tough for your ex, but it will also make it easier for you to win them back. That’s just how this stuff works, for the most part…If you want your ex back, you want the pain of the breakup to be so overwhelming that they come running back to you. Obviously it’s hard to see your ex in pain but this is the silver lining in that scenario.

But since you’ve dated an introvert, you know how good they can be at putting up walls. This means that if they don’t want to talk to you, they won’t. They’ll be more able to shut you out because they’ve had practice.

More social people will often talk to their exes out of habit or because they’re lonely…there’s just more friction when it comes to reaching out to introverts and this will get in the way.

And there’s also one big factor here that I’ve been dancing around…introverts can be easier to get back because they tend to have less romantic opportunities than extroverts do. This is just a simple fact.

The less social connections you have, the less chances you have to meet attractive, single people you might be interested in. Every night spent with your head in a book, as rewarding as it may be, is one less night spent around potential dates. 

So these are the major differences when it comes to getting back with an introverted ex. Remember that, as with many things, this is a spectrum. Some people want to go live in the woods alone while others will just need to take a walk after work to decompress.


How To Win Back Your Introvert Ex

So how should you go about trying to win back an introvert ex? 

Well first off, you need to be patient with them. I always say that what you do to get an ex back is less important than what you don’t do, at least in the early stages. So don’t blow up their phone, don’t put pressure on them and don’t get upset with them for how they respond to you. 

They may take a long time to message you back and when they do, they may not be very talkative. 

This is where you need to match their energy. When they’re being a bit standoffish, telling them that you love them and you want them back is most likely going to scare them off. So keep these intense feelings to yourself, for now, and show them that talking to you is nothing to be worried about.

Another thing to keep in mind is that introverts don’t like small talk as much as extroverts do. They may feel like it’s unnecessary and just a waste of time. So don’t talk your ex’s ear off when you open up a conversation. This is easy to do when you’re nervous and worried how they’re going to react but you’re really setting yourself up for failure here.

Instead, go into every conversation with an objective. Are you going to make them laugh? Are you just hoping to remind them that you exist? Are you going to try to set up an in person meeting? Whatever it is, focus on this and this alone, and once you’ve made it happen, it’s time to back away and give them space.

Of course, the time will come for more in depth conversations with your ex, and that will be great when dealing with an introvert. As we talked about, introverts dislike small talk generally, preferring deeper conversations. So don’t be afraid to dive deep with your ex and talk about the important stuff. 

But before you speak to your ex at all, you need to start by cutting all contact with them for a few weeks. This is a difficult step to take, I know, but it is VITAL if you want another chance with your ex, introverted or not.

Basically this means no texting, no phone calls, no in person meet ups…nothing at all. If you want more information on how and why this works then click here but basically this allows you and your ex to “reset” your feelings and let go of some of the bad blood that has resulted from the breakup.

This is going to get things off on a much better foot when you do begin to reconnect because it’s not going to feel like a continuation of the breakup. Remember when we talked about “the rules” of a social interaction and how your ex might be confused about how to treat you?

This problem can be minimized by going no contact with your ex. Now there’s a clear separation between the breakup and this new phase so when you reach out it’s not going to feel like you’re trying to pick a fight or start new drama.

I’ve had people ask if No Contact really works on introverted exes. The thought is that since they prefer solitude, this isn’t going to hit as hard as it will for more extroverted people. It’s true that your ex might not notice that you’ve gone No Contact if they already had their walls up but it will affect them just as much as it will any other ex.

Because, while introverts are less socially driven, they still need other people in their life and because they have fewer people around them, you loom larger in their life and so will your absence. So don’t worry that your ex is so independent that they won’t miss you at all…they miss you already and they’re only going to miss you more when you go No Contact.

So let’s recap: introverts are just people who are less socially driven than the average. This presents both challenges and opportunities if you want to date them, and specifically if you want to win them back after a breakup. Breakups hit introverts harder than others but the fact that they can be withdrawn will also make it harder to reconnect. 

In order to make this happen you have to go slow, match their energy, and give them space. You also need to incorporate No Contact into your strategy.

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

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