There are only 7 things that will make your ex want you back.

If you’re hoping for a second chance with your ex, then you need to use this information to build your ex’s desire so that they’ll give you a second chance.

#1 – Jealousy

Jealousy is a complex emotion. It’s essentially fear that your partner (or your ex, in your case) will want someone else more than they want you.

It’s a sense of possessiveness over another person and it’s tied into our self worth, anger, defensiveness and perceived inadequacy.

Basically, if you can make your ex feel jealousy, it will draw them back to you like a magnet because all the different emotions that come with it will overwhelm your ex’s “logical” reasons for breaking up. 

The good news is that inciting jealousy is simple: get out in the world, meet new people of the opposite sex, and go on a few casual dates (even if you don’t feel like it right now).

At the same time, you need to focus on improving your social life across the board. Again, you can use social media to your advantage here.

Just don’t be too blatant or obvious about it.

Maybe you post a photo on Instagram with your arm around an attractive person, having a good time.

You can also just mention in passing that you’ve been hanging out with a “new friend”, but don’t say that you’re dating or that this is your new girlfriend or boyfriend and leave out any details to create some mystery and intrigue that will make your ex wonder about this new person and stoke the fires of jealousy.

Just…be careful here. Even though jealousy can be super effective, it can also backfire on you if you don’t do it correctly. Basically, if your ex can tell that you’re trying to make them jealous, they’re going to feel the opposite.

And on the flip side, if you take it too far and make your ex think that you’re in love with a new person and that they have no chance, then that’s going to hurt your chances.

It’s a fine line to walk but it’s worth trying if you want a second chance with your ex.


#2 – Forgetting About Negative Memories & Logical Reasons For The Breakup

Studies show that humans are hard-wired to let go of negative memories and emotions more quickly than positive ones.

This is thought to be a way for us to maintain our mental health through all the difficulties of life. So basically it makes it easier to bounce back from something traumatic like the death of a loved one.

While you never truly forget, you do put it out of your mind and stop thinking about it as much.

This means that as time passes, your ex is going to begin to forget all the bad stuff about your relationship, and hold on to the positive and happy memories you made together. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, your ex isn’t suddenly going to forget that you cheated on them or stole their dog… but with time they’re naturally going to think about those things less and less frequently, and they’ll slowly start to care less and less about them.

This is assuming you don’t make mistakes that will bring those memories and feelings back to the top of your ex’s mind, like bringing up sore subjects, apologizing to them excessively, or picking fights.

And not only will they forget the bad memories, they’ll also start to lose their focus on all the “logical” reasons they had for breaking up.

Over time, they’ll start to question those reasons….  As time passes, the bad parts start to seem less important, the negative memories fade, and they will no longer be as confident that those “reasons” really did justify breaking up. Basically it’s easy to focus on the negative when it’s in your face all day, but as soon as it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. 

So, in summary, if you want your ex back… you want to help them forget the bad parts about your time together.  You want them to think to themselves, “hmmm… maybe their terrible haircut isn’t such a deal-breaker, maybe we can make it work after all”…  and by employing a 30-Day No Contact period after breaking up, you’ll be helping your ex to forget about those negatives and focus instead on the happier, more positive aspects of your personality and your time as a couple.

#3 – FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)

I’m sure you’ve heard of FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out. We all know the feeling… you see photos on Instagram of your friends out having fun without you, and you wish you were there.  

Not only do you wish you weren’t missing out on the fun times, but it makes you feel disconnected from the group…like being left out. 

You can use this powerful feeling to help win back your ex by creating FOMO in their mind. In fact, it can be a very effective tool to change their mind about breaking up and shift their perception of you as a romantic partner.  If your ex feels that they’re missing out on exciting times because they no longer have you in their life, they’ll want to fill that void by reconnecting with you.

There are several ways to do this, but the single best way is simply to make sure you live your life to the fullest. Resist the urge to lie around on the couch moping about the breakup.

I know that breakups are horrible and you will need at least a few days to really mourn the loss, but after that, you need to shift how you’re looking at this breakup.

Because really, this breakup can also provide you a huge opportunity because it frees up so much time. Time is the most valuable resource and–-understandably–we lose a lot of our time in a relationship, spending time with this other person.

Now you have that time back and you can either use it to your advantage or squander it. People have managed to totally transform their lives with just a little time and effort and you can too.

So get back on your feet and make your next move. Get ahead in work or school, pick up new hobbies, travel or go on adventures with friends, and so on.  Just by living a fun, interesting life… by being social, spending time with friends and bettering yourself… you’ll be showing your ex what a fun, exciting life they’re missing out on by letting you go.

The question is, how can you let your ex see this awesome new life you’re living if you’re in No Contact?

Social media is a great way to achieve this. Another way is by talking to mutual friends. Be subtle here but don’t be afraid to show off some of the new and exciting things you’re doing. Less is more here. Just casually post some photos from a fun weekend trip with friends or do a bit of humble bragging about your recent accomplishments.

Just don’t do anything that will appear out of character that will potentially make your ex think you’re doing this specifically so they’ll see it… be subtle, but don’t be afraid to share how awesome your life is after the breakup and how quickly you’re moving on.

Your ex will almost certainly feel some FOMO when they find out, and they’ll second-guess whether it was the right choice to let someone so fun and interesting walk out of their life.

#4 – Missing You

To make your ex miss you you need to remove yourself from their life as soon as physically possible.

This is the ONLY way to make someone miss you… Because they can’t miss you if you’re still hanging around. You need to make yourself scarce as much as possible and as quickly as possible after breaking up, if you want them to miss you like crazy.

Think of it from your ex’s perspective. Your ex has come to rely on you for happiness, intimacy and a sense of normalcy.

This is WHY we have relationships: to fulfill our human needs. Just because the two of you have been having difficulties lately doesn’t mean that you weren’t still fulfilling many of these needs for them.

That’s what makes breakups tough and that’s what you need to leverage here.

Think of love like a drug…your brain certainly does.  By cutting your ex out of your life entirely, rather than continuing to talk to them or see them regularly after breaking up, you’re making the post-breakup emotions as painful as possible for your ex.

It’s a lot harder to let go of something or someone you love if they’re suddenly snatched away from you out of the blue.

That’s why No Contact is designed specifically to give your ex a “cold turkey” breakup experience.  Oftentimes, this by itself can be enough to make your ex beg to have you back.

This is also one of the reasons why a 30-day No Contact period works best– studies suggest that those feelings of “missing you like crazy” will peak for your ex around the 30 day mark. 

#5 – Sexual Tension

You and your ex had a sexual connection at some point in your life.

You can capitalize on those sexual feelings by looking your best whenever you see your ex, and by doing some basic flirting and playful touching.

Don’t be afraid to touch them (without being creepy or forceful about it), drop a sexual innuendo or inside reference to a steamy time you shared together in the past… just remind them, subtly, what they’re missing out on now that you’ve broken up. Remember to keep this light and fun.

Sexual tension usually isn’t enough by itself to make your ex want to get back together, but it will provide one more point in your favor.

The more they want you, the more they’ll be willing to forget or ignore in order to satisfy those cravings.

Generally speaking, you don’t want to give them what they’re after–so don’t sleep with them just yet–but you do want to make them WISH they could have you back in their bed, as that’s going to give them one more reason to consider giving your relationship a second chance.

#6 – Your Potential Long-Term Future Together

If your ex has decided they want to break up, they clearly don’t see you in their long-term plans.  For whatever reason–either because of a loss of attraction generally or for specific, concrete reasons–they don’t see you as the right person for them in the long run.  

If you can change that perception–by addressing your ex’s concerns–you’ll find that they’re a lot more willing to consider a future where you’re together as a couple.  

This can mean apologizing for things you did to hurt them in the past, and making it clear you understand how your actions were unacceptable and that you’ve learned your lesson. 

Your ex will need to understand that things could be different in the future if you were to get back together, and that whatever reasons they had for the breakup aren’t nearly as bad as they had previously thought.

If you had issues with being overly jealous during your time together… or if you were too clingy or needy and pushed them away with insecure and unattractive behaviour… then you will absolutely need to apply No Contact and show to your ex that you’re not like that any more, and that things can be different if they gave your relationship another try.

At the end of the day, if you can provide your ex with a future that they can’t find anywhere else then they’ll be willing to overlook any minor issues that led them to break up in the first place. And lastly….

#7 – Regret

This one doesn’t need much explaining, but if your ex feels a sense of regret about losing you… if they regret not giving things another chance before calling it quits for good… they’re obviously going to be much more likely to consider taking you back.  

Regret will often take time to really sink in for your ex and it will happen naturally, so don’t call up your ex and try to guilt or shame them.

Another thing to note is that relationships with a lot of high-highs and low-lows will often inspire regret in your ex. This is because the negative stuff can cause your ex to feel a sense of “unfinished business” that will drive them to get back together with you.

It’s surprising but it’s a well known psychological phenomena. This is similar to the desire to date a “fixer upper” in the hopes that by changing this other person, they’ll create a strong bond. 

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

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