After a breakup, it feels like you’ve lost the one person who you thought you’d be with forever. And outside of a few very specific situations, the truth is that your ex feels the same way you do. 

In fact, if you want your ex back, you need to make sure that they feel that way as often and as strongly as possible. Basically you need them to fear that they’ve lost you forever.

But how can you make your ex worry about losing you when they’ve already dumped you? Doesn’t that mean that they’re okay losing you?

Human psychology is complicated. On some level, they’ve already decided to separate themselves from you and try to move on with their lives–obviously–but on another level–especially if your relationship was a significant one, or if your breakup was messy–they still hold a lot of love for you and that part of them doesn’t want to lose you.

If you’ve ever broken up with someone, I’m sure that you can relate.

If you want a second chance then you need to focus on this part of them. Follow these steps to make your ex worry about losing you.

1. Disappear from their life

You can’t miss someone who is still there. Your ex isn’t going to be afraid to lose you if you don’t get some distance from them.SERIOUS distance.

Many people react to being dumped by telling their ex what a big mistake they’ve made, how they’re going to regret this and how they just lost out on their one chance for happiness. While I understand this impulse, it’s not going to have the result you want.

If you keep showing up to yell at your ex for their mistake, their main takeaway is going to be that you still care and that you’re not over them. Which will show that they could still have you if they wanted, and because of this, they won’t miss you. 

This is where actions speak louder than words. You need to separate completely as soon as possible following the breakup. Trust me, I know how difficult this can be but there’s just no way around it. It’s essential if you want another chance with your ex.

This clean break accomplishes several things:

-It shows them that you have self respect and that you don’t want to be around people who don’t value you

-It shows them that you respect their desire to break up and won’t try to manipulate them into feeling sorry for you

-It gives both of you a chance to process the breakup which prevents more fighting

-And most importantly it makes them miss you

So do whatever you have to do… cut off all contact and give them space right now. 

If you’ve watched any of my other videos, you already know that this process is part of what’s called the No Contact method. I’ve been advocating this method because it’s the only method that really works to get your ex back. 

Here’s No Contact in a nutshell:

– Cut all contact with your ex for a period of time following a breakup: no phone calls, no emails, no text messages, no in person hang outs. 

– Do not be rude to your ex but don’t engage with them either. 

– Spend the time apart focusing on yourself and improving your life.

There’s a lot more to it than that but those are the basics. Should I make a full video on No Contact? Let me know in the comments.

2. Treat them differently

Some people continue to talk to their exes in the same way they did when they were together. Not only is this confusing for both you and your ex, it’s definitely going to hurt your chances with them.

If you treat your ex the way you did when you were dating–being cute and overly kind towards them, being familiar and overly touchy, or even just acting like the breakup never happened–this is going to set off alarm bells for your ex. They may think that you aren’t acknowledging the breakup because you won’t accept it. They may think that this is your way to try to get them back. 

Either way, this will show them that you’re not in touch with reality and having a normal conversation with you is going to be a problem.

On some level, you’re giving them what they want when you treat them like you’re still together. Even as it drives them away from you, it boosts their ego because it shows them that you’re interested in them DESPITE the fact that they decided to end things with you. It makes them feel like they’re valuable and you’re not. This sounds callous but it’s all a subconscious process that your ex isn’t even aware of.

On the other hand, if you treat them differently, this will really help your chances. What I’m talking about is that you have to be a bit distant with your ex at first. Show them that you don’t have any ill will towards them but that you’re also not their buddy, nor their shoulder to cry on. 

This is going to hurt your ex because they’ll immediately see that things are different between the two of you and feel like you’re further away from them than ever. So don’t be afraid to leave them on read for awhile, be less friendly towards them and just keep your distance. Often exes will see you treating them this way and come running back to you to reconnect so that things can go back to normal.

Now, I will say that this tactic should be reserved for early on in the reattraction process and during unavoidable contact while your two aren’t speaking. Things will naturally start to warm up as you two flirt and joke, but never make the mistake of treating them like you’re still together.

3. Make them jealous

Jealousy is essentially the fear that the person you care about will find a better option and leave you in the dust… so if you can make your ex jealous, then you can make them worry about losing you. This requires a light touch. If your ex can tell that you’re trying to make them jealous then they’ll feel manipulated, and they’ll be able to tell that you still care which is going to hurt the illusion that you’re moving on.

So how can you make them jealous without revealing your intentions? You’re not going to want to hear this but the best way is to date someone else. I know this may be the last thing you want to do right now but it’s a foolproof way to make your ex jealous and worry about losing you. I encourage you to download a dating app or two and set up some dates. Or better yet, have a friend set you up with someone. The goal here is to have the news that you’re dating get back to your ex so if you can ask a mutual friend, that’s even better. 

Just remember that you’re doing this to get your ex back so don’t feel guilty. It’s all for a good cause.

Not only will this make them jealous but it will also give you a confidence boost that will be extremely valuable when it comes time to reconnect.

If you can’t manage this right now, then there’s another way to make your ex feel jealous. You need to start spending time in social situations with new and attractive people. So get out there in the world and go to parties and events.

Try new things and connect with new people. While you’re doing this, cultivate a positive and friendly energy and if it feels right, take some pictures with attractive members of the opposite sex and post them on social media. It only takes a few pictures like this, posted without comment or explanation, to make your ex’s mind run wild with jealousy. 

Social media is actually a great way to make your ex jealous without revealing your intentions because it’s a way of communicating with them indirectly. Use this to your advantage by posting positive and fun things that are going to make them miss having you in their life. And above all, avoid posting depressing things and especially cryptic song lyrics about your loneliness. Not a good look.

4. Make changes and improve your life

If you want your ex to worry about losing you, you have to take strides to separate yourself from them. This can include going no contact, moving on with your life, or simply improving yourself. 

You see, the more you change for the better after your breakup, the more they’ll start to look at you differently. This is going to show them that you weren’t the person they thought they knew. You had potential that they never realized, and more than that, they’ll see that you’re growing despite their absence. 

When you see someone has changed in your absence, you can’t help but feel like you’ve missed something, like they’re moving away from you and you’re going to lose them forever. If you can make your ex feel this way, you’ve gotten one step closer to winning them back.

This change can be something as small as getting a new haircut or as big as joining the army. The important thing is that you’re growing and improving your life in a way that actually brings a benefit to you and matches up with your vision of the future. There’s no way to fake this step. Don’t go out and buy a new car if you can’t afford one just to impress your ex. Look at the parts of your life that are lacking and use this breakup as motivation to improve them.

Don’t brag about these things to your ex, even after you’ve made it through No Contact and are beginning to reconnect. Let them come up naturally, or better yet, have them hear about it through mutual friends. Again, actions speak louder than words here so even if they never know exactly what is different about you, they’re going to be able to tell that you’ve changed through subconscious cues like your happiness and your confidence. 

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

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