So you’ve been through a tough breakup and now you’ve decided that you want your ex back. Well first, you need to figure out a few things. You need to know WHY you want your ex back. You need to know how your ex feels about you. And you need to know whether or not your ex is dating someone new.

The truth is, if your ex is dating someone new then this is going to affect getting them backƒ in a huge way. Not only because it affects your ex’s mindset, but because it affects your mindset.

Think about it. How did you feel when you found out? It was awful, right? You were scrolling through social media, or having a conversation with a friend or even with your ex and, like it was nothing, you found out that they had a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and your heart sank…

An overwhelming feeling of sadness and pain consumed you… and you felt hopeless.

At that point, maybe you panicked. You wrote your ex a big, long message pouring out your feelings, or calling them names, or begging for a second chance.

And I’m sure where you’re sitting now, you’ve realized that messaging your ex something like this is a HUGE mistake and only hurts your chances but there’s no denying that this had a major effect on you and really hurt your mental state.

And sure, you’ve probably heard about “No Contact” and how you need to give your ex space so that they can truly miss you and want to come back to you… but none of that advice really feels like it’s helping right now.

No, you want something that will help alleviate the emotional distress you’re feeling in this moment. 

So how do you get over this incredible pain? How do you move on? And what are your next immediate steps to get your ex back into your arms?

Today I’m going to try and answer all of these very difficult questions.

But before we get into some hard-hitting information, the FIRST thing you need to do is… to close your eyes. I’m not trying to get all hippy and zen on you, but trust me, just follow along with me. Just close your eyes right now and take 3 deep breaths… go ahead.

I promise that if you do this with me right now… you will feel the pain in your chest begin to fade and you will feel 10 times better.

Just focus and concentrate on your breathing… making sure that your breaths are full and deep. Focus on how relaxing this feels. Did we get all that? Good.

Because this is the most important thing for you to know right now.

The fact that your ex is dating someone new can make it difficult for you to get them back, not because it means they’ve moved on, but because it’s likely to make you panic, treat them differently, and make mistakes. 

I know every single fiber in your body right now is telling you to call your ex, or text your ex, and BEG for him or her to come back.

But trust me when I say that if you do this, your chances of getting your ex back will fall down to almost zero.

So instead of panicking, do your very best to relax, think rationally, and follow my advice. Managing your mental state needs to be your top priority right now, if you want your ex back.

And in order for you to get your ex back, we need to stick to science and psychological research.

Hysterics, begging, and pleading aren’t going to work. As far as I know, this erratic behaviour has NEVER helped someone get their ex back.

What we need to do instead is build the type of attraction that forces your ex to want you, desire you, and become obsessed with you again. You’re never, ever going to “pity” your ex into wanting you back.

And furthermore, if he or she is seeing somebody else, there’s almost nothing you can do or say that will make them change their mind about being with you again… at least not right now.

If you two just broke up and they’re already dating somebody else, they’re in what is called a “rebound relationship”… but don’t worry.

There are a few things about a rebound relationship that you need to know about before moving forward.

1.)   Rebound relationships typically don’t last.

2.)   Rebound relationships are SHALLOW.

3.)   Rebound relationships are PASSIONATE.

That last one is a big one – right now, your ex just found someone to temporarily replace you and they’re probably riding the wave of emotions right now.

The more you try to beg or plead, the more they’re going to lose attraction for you and fall right into their rebound’s arms.

So what’s the best strategy to take given the circumstances? Well, the best move right now… is to not move at all!

Start No Contact Now

I know you’ve probably heard of the No Contact strategy, but in this case, you need to also engage in a strict No Ex strategy as well.

That means that you need to do whatever you can to get past these hugely emotional and negative feelings by blocking your ex out of your mind completely. I know it’s easier said than done, but here are some tips…

1.     Don’t go on social media. Or at the very least, unfollow or mute your ex.

2.     Delete their contact information from your phone. This will prevent a drunk text or late night phone call…Write it down on a piece of paper and give it to a trusted friend so they can return it to you after some time has passed.

3.     Take all of your ex’s gifts and belongings—anything that reminds you of them—and put them in a box. Hide this box. Out of sight, out of mind.

4.     Keep yourself preoccupied. It’ll be easy to just sit around and mope and cry. But to truly get beyond your ex right now, you need to keep busy. Hit the gym, spend time with family, spend time with friends, etc.

Be strict about these rules and make sure you don’t deviate. Because once you do, it’s like falling back into the hole of despair again and it’ll be even more difficult to climb out.

For the next month or so, make sure that you’re doing everything in your power to stick to these four, simple rules… and remember, this is in addition to “No Contact”.

I know things seem grim right about now, but I guarantee that if you get past this difficult phase, you will come out on the other side stronger than ever. How? Well just picture your ex once they eventually get out of that rebound relationship.

Imagine them feeling that powerful sense of loss… the same kind of feeling that you’re experiencing right at this moment. At that point, who do you think they’re going to be thinking about? If you’ve been playing your cards right and listening to my advice, your ex will probably be the one contacting YOU when this happens.

Make Your Ex Chase You

Let’s go over a few things you can do to make sure that your ex begins chasing you and obsessing over you in no time…

If your ex does break up with their rebound, then this is your best chance to get your ex back for good. And the most ideal situation at this point is if they text YOU after their rebound breakup. So what do you do if your ex texts you? At that point, you need to do nothing.

If you’re in this situation, you’ll want to regain the control that you lost after your break up. If you’ve been following the advice in my videos, your ex will be thinking that you’re living your best life… and they’ll probably feel that they messed up big time by leaving you. So don’t come running back to them as soon as they show any sign of interest in you. This is a huge mistake! That is not the time to lose your cool.

The best thing to do after your ex texts you is wait at least a day to text them back. No exceptions. This may feel like playing games, and you can look at it this way…but I wouldn’t suggest it if it didn’t work. You may think your ex will be angry but actually, the opposite is true. Your ex is feeling really low right now. They lost you—and even if they initiated it, this is how they feel—and then they lost this new relationship. They’re pretty close to rock bottom.

When they texted you they were basically calling out to you for help. They needed something to hold on to. So trust me when I say that they’re waiting for that text back, and when they get it, it will feel like a life raft in the middle of a dark ocean. 

So when you do reply, after this 24-hour period passes, do your best to seem surprised. You could say something like…

“Hey, so good to hear from you. Sorry it took me awhile to respond, just been busy. Things have been really good! How are you doing?”

Obviously, you’ll need to tailor this response to your situation, and their message, but what you REALLY need to know is that you must project positivity and happiness in your text message – you need to show your ex that you’ve been doing really well since the breakup.

This will shatter the image that they might have had of you in their mind, and at this point, they will naturally begin to chase YOU. Remember, people are attracted to happy, vibrant people… your ex is no exception.

Now what if your ex doesn’t call your or text you?

At this point, you’ll need to find out if he or she is still with their rebound or not. But again, you’ll want to do this only after your period of No Contact is over and ONLY if you feel like you’re emotionally stable. If he or she is still in that rebound relationship, then continue engaging in no contact and continue removing all thoughts of them from your mind.

But if they AREN’T in that rebound relationship, now is your time to pounce!

At this point, what you need to do is find the right way to reach out. This first text is crucial. It’s really make or break so you want to get it right or risk scaring them off.

I recommend keeping it casual but still interesting. So don’t just say “hey sup?” but also don’t say “I want you so much and I need you back.” 

You want your ex to read the message and still wonder if you’re interested in them. You also want to give them something to respond to so asking a question is really important. I know this is a lot to think about so here’s an example for you.

You can send your text something like…

“Hey! I need a quick favour… I know you went to Cabo a couple years ago… I’m supposed to go with some friends. Do you have time to answer a few questions? You were always so good at planning vacations…”

And it’s as simple as that. You’ll want to make sure that you text your ex for a good reason – don’t say something stupid like “I miss you” or “I still love you”… at this point, those kind of messages aren’t going to do you any good.

The only way you’re going to get your ex back is to meet up with him or her and build attraction slowly and organically. 

If you’ve been following this advice up until this point, your ex should be more than willing to help you out. At this point you can go for a quick coffee, and this is where the real magic happens.

Dave Barker

Breakup Coach

About the Author

Dave Barker is a breakup and 'ex back' coach with over a decade of experience helping clients repair and improve romantic relationships.

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